There was a meme floating around last week. It said, “If your cat could text you…he wouldn’t.” I get that. Cats are solitary individuals. They’re independent. I don’t miss an episode of Jeopardy, and last week there was a cute little chick on there who was a self-proclaimed cat lady. Alex asked her, “Why cats?” She said, “Because they don’t need you.” I guess if that’s what you’re going for, that’s the animal for you. They’re the non-committal pet. Kind of like a pet with benefits. There to snuggle when you want, but if you never come back….eh, OK.
I’m not anti-cat. I used to be a cat person; in fact I had a cat I loved. But we never bonded. Cats don’t protect. Plus this one never wanted to come in the house so there were no couch-nappy sessions. Those are the best.
The meme got me thinking…if the cat wouldn’t text (and I think that’s accurate), what would the dog say? I think he would be blowing me up. His attention would fall somewhere between this is cute and he’s a low-key stalker.
He might first send an early morning wake up text from the floor, because the bed got too hot. “Hey, Ma. Don’t oversleep OK? And I might need to go out to pee soon. But not too soon. I don’t want to bother you. You do you. Do you still love me?”
Wavering somewhere between needy and attentive, pupper might text as soon as you’re out the door: “Did you make it to work OK? Did you remember your lunch? I think I’ll have the usual. That Purina is great, Ma, thanks!”
And while you’re busy actually working, here come some more: “Are you OK? Haven’t heard from you…”
Five minutes later: “OK, this is embarrassing. I’m so, so sorry. Just let me know you’re OK.”
Five minutes later: “OK, I’m at mild freak-out level right now. Are you dead or just mad at me? I can’t take either one!”
Finally you reply: “I’m working. Stop. I love you. Go chase a bird.”
You get an immediate reply because the dog was holding his phone in his paw, constantly refreshing his screen, waiting on you to text. His screen is currently saturated with saliva, so intense is his obsession. His heart leaps from terrified to ecstatic as soon as he reads your text. He debates whether to text you back, and he can’t help himself: “OK I’m so, so, so sorry! I’ll leave you alone. I’m so proud of you! Thanks for all you do!”
Five minutes later: “Hey, WYD?”
The doggo just wants what we all mostly want: Some food and lovin’. When Mom is asleep on the couch, comes the text from the dog: “Hey, Ma. I see you sleeping. Can you just drop your arm just a little on my….oh yes that’s it…just scratch a ….oh yes, thank you, Ma. I love you so much, Ma.”
Ma has some breakfast. The dog loves eggs. “I see you have the food. Can I have the food? Pweeeez?”
You can’t get mad at the little pupper. It’s just because he loves you so much. He wants you to love him and wants your approval. That’s the only reason he brags. “Hey, Ma. Just letting you know that a big brown truck just came down the driveway, but don’t worry. I scared him right off. Don’t you worry about a thing, Ma, I got the situation under control!”
What if your cattle could text? I have to think they would be much more like the cat. Just contacting when necessary. Mostly asking for food. “Hey, boss. Can you, like, bring some more of that alfalfa? And that last bale was a little moldy. Trynna put some weight on here. Thanks.”
What would the possum say if he could text? Maybe he’d plan and text ahead: “Hey, gonna be crossing your road later with my fellas. We sure appreciate you slowing down.” And those trash-panda-coons? “Watch this thumb action! Where’s your garbage? Can you get some more of those donuts? Oh, and we’re having some friends over next weekend, so…more grease wrappers, please. Thanks in advance.”
If skunks could text, would they apologize for smelling so awful? Somehow I think not. Their willingness to spread their awful aroma tends to make me think they’re rather proud of it. No text from the skunk except, “I told you to get out of my way.”
The bear would ask for more corn. The deer would ask for a body bumper because people keep hitting him. The bats would keep me up texting all night, but they would let me sleep during cold weather.
What if the animals could text each other? What would they say? The dogs would give out their number freely; they’re pretty friendly. The momma dogs would text each other nightly to keep up with their pups and keep them away from the coyotes. No one texts the coyote; he’s been blocked. The possums and coons would exchange creative recipes. The bats would share location on Google maps. And what would the famous fox say? He’s too busy stalking the henhouse to text. Check back later.
A teacher and mother, Meagan Morehead Bradshaw lives on a farm in Bland County; contact her at email@example.com.