I MADE IT UP: Taxes and happiness

A wise man once noted that there are two things guaranteed in life: death and taxes.  Our forefathers tried to assure us of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” but the government does not pursue my happiness with the same vigor that the Internal Revenue Service pursues my taxes.
I think there should be federal agencies that promote happiness.  Here are some of the new agencies I have come up with:
The Internal Dating Service:  Statistically, who knows more about where all the right women (or men) are than the federal government?  There must be places in the U.S. where the ratio of women to men is 2:1.  Why is this a secret? If I was not happily married, I would want to know where these women are.  Using government statistics, I could type in a few key words, and there would pop up 10 or 20 places in the U.S. where my ideal mate would be. 
The Internal Employment Service:  Again, I would type in a few key words:  “seasoned professional, hates meetings, does not want the boss’ job.”  Up would pop 100 organizations in my field that are looking for me.  Then I would winnow out all the jobs that want someone to work eight hours a day, be on call “24/7,” and have no bonus at the end of the year. I would match the remaining job locations with the places where the ratio of women to men is 2:1 and I would choose the ideal job for me.
The Internal Vacation Service:  As soon as I have the ideal mate and the ideal job, I would want to go on the ideal vacation.  The Internal Vacation Service would run my preferences (sun, sand, flowing martinis) through its computers and suggest the beaches of Hawaii or Puerto Rico.  It would even list “best buys” and “off-season rates.”  Understandably, the IVS would only list places within the United States, but, given gas prices, I could live with that.
The Internal Drug Service.  Happiness sometimes needs a little help.  Who knows more about drugs and where they are than the Feds?  Since there is a pill for everything, I would type in the mood I want, and the IDS would suggest several options.  Rather than warning “check with your doctor,” the IDS would provide the names of liberal pharmacies and mail-order houses.
If the government had done all this for me, I would be happy to pay my taxes.  Well, I would if I was on the right drugs… 

Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at