I MADE IT UP: Redesigning the grocery store

By Carl D. Clarke, Jr./Columnist

It seems to me that the grocery store is ill-designed for what people actually do there.  And I know whereof I speak.  I am the world’s foremost expert in Anthro-ergonomics, a field that I invented yesterday.  He are my suggestions about the way a grocery store should be laid out. 
The aisles should be clearly marked with a fast lane, for hunters, and a slow lane for gatherers.  Hunters want to find the item, put it in the cart, and get out of there.  Gatherers linger over every sale offer, and cannot decide if dear Tabby would like the tuna cat food or the salmon.
Gatherers who jam up the fast lane would do so at their peril.  Carts should be equipped with horns and flashing lights to move gatherers out of the fast lane.  I am surprised that “aisle rage” has not led to a tragedy before now. 
My pet peeve is the two ladies who park their carts side-by-side and visit for 20 minutes, blocking the aisle.  When someone wants to pass, one courteously moves her cart and then moves it back side-by-side, blocking the aisle again. 
In my store, carts would have sensors that read how long a cart has stood still. At five minutes, a kindly voice on the cart’s speaker would say, “Attention, ladies, there are coffee and donuts available in the Deli coffee shop.”  At seven minutes, a less gentle voice would say, “Look ladies, you’ve been gabbing for seven minutes.  Move those carts or we’ll come and move them for you.”  At ten minutes, three clerks would come and load the ladies into their carts, push them out the door and float the carts out into the rush hour traffic on Cummings Street.  This is the only way to handle aisle abusers.
In my store, all the fruits and vegetables would be on a carousel.  You would park your cart under a drop chute and start the carousel to turning.  You could pick and choose as the veggies go by. 
Another choice would be to tell the carousel computer screen that you are shopping for:  a) a family of four, b) one week of RDA requirements, and c) on a budget.  The carousel would begin to turn and drop all the cabbage and rutabagas you need for the week into your cart, giving you the advantage of whatever is on sale.  If you had pressed “upscale budget,” you’d get fancy seedless grapes and rutabagas imported from Brazil, but you’d still get your RDA requirement. 
These are good ideas, but change is difficult.  Anthro-ergonomics is a somewhat thankless field. 

Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at