I MADE IT UP: No. 2 wife wanted

Two major events have conspired to ruin my life.
I changed over from Earthlink to Embarqmail.com. I lost all my old e-mails and now cannot paste anything into an e-mail, including those long lists of e-mail addresses that I used to address newsletters to the groups with whom I work.
Then I hired a techie to delete accumulated virii and spyware and garbage from my computer. He installed a new word processing program. I hate my new word processing program.
I do not apologize for being computer illiterate. The problem is that I have no in-house computer help. Therefore, I am placing the following ad in the personals column of the Washington County News tomorrow.
WANTED: NO. 2 WIFE: Married, charming retiree seeks female techie 45-55 years of age for in-house tech support and occasional companionship. Must know how to install (and un-install) word processing programs, make e-mail programs work, and simplify computer applications.
The successful candidate will know how to talk techie language with company support personnel, read and interpret error messages (numerous), create shortcuts to repetitive tasks, and then be quiet. She should not anticipate installing anything heavy duty, like “macros,” or any network, whether LAN or WAN. Under no circumstances will she install any upgrades, since upgrades immediately change the way the old programs used to work.
The successful candidate will be a responsive and caring individual who comes running when she hears loud profanity or abject sobbing.
The successful applicant may anticipate: a self-contained mini-apartment in the back of the house with bath and kitchenette; a hot tub outside; spacious grounds with free-range squirrels and deer; and leisure time with a charming and educated couple. Cocktails are at 5 p.m. Dinner is whenever she wants to make it.
Additional information is not available on any Web site, since I do not have one and do not want one. If you are interested, you need to know that a) there will be no hanky-panky, and b) you will be welcome because Wife No. 1 is tired of saying, “I’m sorry,” when she hears loud profanity or abject sobbing.
Applicants should not respond to the e-mail address below, since I do not know if it is even working. They should call the Washington County News and ask for that nice man who placed the ad in the paper. You may follow-up with a resume of technical skills and send a picture of your computers. Previous marital history is unimportant. In fact, even gender orientation can be waived.
Carl D. Clarke Jr. of Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News. He may be reached at .