I MADE IT UP: My potential candidate checklist

by Carl D. Clarke, Jr.

It seems to me that the political parties ought to get presidential and vice presidential candidates to complete a questionnaire before the party nominates them.  That way, the party would know in advance about any unseemly stuff that the press might turn up when it investigates the candidates.

I am sure the FBI has some checklist it uses when the President appoints the cabinet, justices of the Supreme Court, and top generals.  But, of course, they never let you see it.  So I have drafted a questionnaire to be completed by potential candidates well in advance of the party’s nomination: 

Dear Potential Candidate:  Please answer the following questions honestly and completely to the best of your ability.  No one answer is likely to preclude you from the party’s nomination (short of sex with animals, and even that might be glossed over if you were very young).  The purpose of this questionnaire is to give the party a chance to prepare responses in advance if any unseemly behavior comes to light. 

Again, no one answer necessarily precludes your nomination if there is “plausible deniability”, if the act or series of acts can be countered with outright lies, or if the legal process can be protracted until the American public gets bored. 

Family and Personal Life:

Are you actually married to the partner with whom you live?  Where is that marriage recorded?  Does your partner have a tongue stud?  Are there photographs or videos of you (and/or your partner) in compromising situations with other individuals or couples?  Have these photos and videos appeared on the Internet at any time? 

Have you been caught in any restroom or bath house making overtures to a person of the same sex, i.e any act which smacks of moral turpentine?  How did you plead?  In what jurisdiction is this recorded? Has the allegation been expunged, legally or illegally?  Are you sure that there is no continuing evidence on record?

Are any of your family members currently under indictment for a felony?  Is the indictment associated in any way with your professional life or elected office?  Please include any incidents involving your children.  Until now, candidates’ children have been off-limits to the press and the other party, but that is not likely to last long.

Who is your religious advisor, if any?  Please tell us that it is not the pastor of that snake-handling church in Booger’s Gap, West Virginia.  If so, you need not complete the balance of this questionnaire.

Editor’s note: Next week, Clarke will propose questions for potential candidates who are already in office. 
Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at

Potential candidate checklist (cont’d)
Copyright 2008 by Carl D. Clarke, Jr.

Editor’s note:  Last week, Clarke proposed that candidates for elected office complete a checklist so that the political parties could prepare their responses to allegations in advance.  The remainder of the questionnaire is directed at appointed or elected incumbents who are being considered for higher office. 
Appointed or Elected Office:
Have you received money, gifts or sexual services in exchange for favors or rulings from the federal agency in which you served?  Is there documentation of such money, gifts or sexual services on record?  Examples would include campaign trips aboard a company’s private plane, tickets to a state university football game (do you believe they would question that?) or escort services when you happened to be in Las Vegas. Use additional sheets and number each incident consecutively.
While in elected office, did you have an affair with a colleague?  A subordinate?  A superior?  Were co-workers aware of the affair?  Did it end with a bang or a whimper?  Again, document each affair on additional sheets. 
Did you use your elected office to pressure subordinates to carry out any vendetta against a) family members (including in-laws) b) political enemies, c) former boyfriends/girlfriends?  Was this a single incident, or was this a pattern?  Again, document at length.
Are you currently under investigation or indictment for any malfeasance in office?  Is an indictment imminent? 
Have you used your office to shunt official business to friends in the defense industry?  In the construction business?  In the casino industry to pay off gambling debts? 
Have you appointed political cronies to agencies that protect the lives and chattels of ordinary citizens in times of crisis?  Did you cover your rear end by appointing a qualified person in the Number Two spot?
When previously investigated, did you lie under oath before a federal, state or municipal grand jury?  Consider this question carefully.  Proven perjury really irks the public.
Is there anything that has not been covered above?  Even association with known Islamic terrorists can be handled if we know about it in advance. Submission of this form is typically accompanied by a contribution to the party. 

Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at