I MADE IT UP: My candidacy denied

by Carl D. Clarke, Jr.

I was heartbroken that neither political party saw fit to nominate me as a vice presidential candidate.  Throughout my political career (I am currently a Deputy Reserve Dogcatcher in Washington County), I have carefully honed my positions on issues to be acceptable to either party.  I think that both parties went for more well-known candidates and ignored my credentials.  My credentials for higher office are strong, and I hereby submit them directly to you, the voters.

The Issues. At various times, I have been Pro-Life and Pro-Choice.  I have supported preserving the environment and also backed tax cuts so that the oil companies could drill on the Alaskan North Slope.  I backed “No child Left Behind,” with reservations for some children.  I supported prayer in schools, especially during exams.  Who could be a more viable candidate than that?

Personal Life.  It has been a personal tragedy for me that neither of my first two marriages worked out.  I assure you that my third marriage is solid, and that my current wife’s relationship with a well-known rock singer is purely platonic. While my relationships with my children are strained, I respect their choices to be, respectively, a hippie volunteer for the Save the Armadillos Foundation and a lawyer for the National Rifle Association’s Uzi Initiative.  . 

The Ethics Investigation.  This really hurts me.  The allegation is that I “put down” Homer Mullins’ dog only because he bit my cat.  Homer Mullins’ dog was a highly trained pit Pekinese who was a constant threat to the German Shepherds and Rottweilers in the neighborhood.  I made a decision, and if some people can’t live with that, so be it.  A public servant must be decisive, and I was.  I would think that being decisive was more of a recommendation than a liability.

Regional Draw.  How many people in Alaska actually go vote in November?  Personally, I would not venture five feet from the stove before May.  Virginia probably has more voters than Alaska and Delaware combined, and I could have delivered the state for either party.  Besides, I live 300 miles from the Beltway, so nobody could claim that I am part of the Washington establishment.

International Experience. Here is where I think I shine.  I took several Western Civ. courses in college, and twice have taken cruises to Caribbean countries.  My wife has taken me to several restaurants where you have to take off your shoes and sit on cushions.  My good friend Charles Lee, nee Li, is a third-generation Chinese American of outstanding reputation and integrity.  What other credentials does one need? 

I guess I just don’t understand politics. 

Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at