I MADE IT UP: If you need eyelid surgery…

By Carl D. Clarke, Jr.

Our friend Mary Huggins told us she was having surgery for a droopy eyelid.  She had already had the surgery twice before, and it somehow did not work.  I told her to come to Abingdon and have the surgery done by my eye doctor.  He is wonderful.
In fact, he has done pioneering work in fauno-genetic implants-- the use of animal muscles to replace human ones.  “The structure of the eyelid of every mammal is very similar,” he said.  “You have muscles which open the eyelid, close it, widen it in surprise, or narrow it in suspicion.  When a pretty young thing bats her eyes at you, there are about 10 different muscles all working in unison. 
“But, basically, an eyelid is an eyelid is an eyelid,” he said, without giving Gertrude Stein any credit.
At the library, I found a long list of his articles in professional publications like the AMA Journal and Lancet.  I was impressed, and I told him so.
“It’s true,” he said.  “I can make the eyelid work the way it is supposed to. It is the side effects which I have not been able to overcome.” The good doctor then began a tale of woe. 
“In my first experiment, I repaired a woman’s eyelid with a muscle that I had taken from a pig.  The surgery was successful, and I was immensely gratified.  But three months later, she appeared in my office and said she had an unnatural craving for peanuts and rotten apples.  She also said that she wallowed in mud a lot, which her family did not appreciate.
“Then I tried implanting the muscles of groundhogs in the eyelids of my patients.  Again, the surgery was successful.  But my patients began to graze on their front lawns in the early morning and late evening, and popped their heads up every 15 seconds to sniff the air. 
“I tried the eyelid muscles of deer, but my patients tended to flap their ears a lot.  I implanted the muscles of a skunk in a female patient, and heard later that she not only got divorced, but the neighbors made her move out of town.”
He was clearly depressed, and I tried to commiserate.  “The surgery is successful, but the side effects are unacceptable.  That must be so frustrating.”
“I don’t know what to try next.”
We were both stumped, and drifted in silence for a while.  Without thinking it through, I asked, “Have you tried implants from rabbits?”
He shook his head slowly.  “Most of my patients already have all the children they want.”

Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at