I MADE IT UP: Bring back the woolly mammoth

By Carl D. Clarke, Jr.

I read in last Sunday’s Herald Courier that they are reintroducing buffalo to Indian reservations in Montana.  Scientists are testing existing herds near Yellowstone Park to be sure that they are healthy and won’t spread disease among cattle.  The effort is born of nostalgia for the millions of buffalo that used to roam the West.
I think this effort is laudatory.  And I think we ought to do the same here in Southwest Virginia—but not with buffalo.  The animal that was native to Southwest Virginia is the woolly mammoth, and I think there is tremendous potential in bringing it back.
And we need to start now.  After all, what’s the gestation period for a woolly mammoth—2-3 years?  We need to start soon if there are going to be herds of woolly mammoths roaming Washington County in my lifetime.
Of course it won’t be easy, but no good idea is.  First we will have to find some viable mammoth DNA frozen in a crag someplace, preferably of both sexes, and re-engineer the animals to survive in our warmer climate.  We’ll probably have to breed animals that don’t have all that ugly hair, which makes them unsightly to look at.  But once we have a couple of breeder pairs, think of the potential.
First, they would be a bang-up tourist attraction, and people would come from distant states just to see them.  “Look, Maude, isn’t the little calf just too cute?”  But I wouldn’t play with him, Maude.  He weighs a thousand pounds and could squash you in a second.  And I wouldn’t make his mother mad, either.
As the herd grows, farmers would begin to domesticate them for meat.  Food City would sell mammoth filets and hump roasts grown locally.  There’d be mammoth barbecue and mammoth stew.  Pretty soon, some national fast food chain would begin to serve mammoth burgers that were really mammoth. 
Then you’d have—what else?—The Woolly Mammoth Festival.  Now that would put Abingdon on the world map.
The animals would have to be protected by law, lest some woman shoot a mammoth that got into her garden.  As the herd multiplied, you could harvest the tusks, and local artisans would carve tableaus that would rival the classical pieces in ivory. There would be a Mammoth Breeders Association, and a volunteer group of do-gooders called Friends of the Mammoth. 
Once there were enough animals, you could introduce hunting.  Not many hunters have a mammoth head hanging on their wall.  Of course, with something that large, you’d have to reinforce the wall… 

Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at