I MADE IT UP: Alternative Sports Events

by Carl D. Clarke, Jr.

While I have no training as a cultural anthropologist, it is clear to me that football is a vestigial legacy of the Puritans.  Long after the Puritans were absorbed into the rest of the culture, a need for pain and self-deprivation remained.  Why else would people sit out in the freezing cold, watching other, fully clothed people play in the snow.  Why else would people embrace misery and acute chills with near-religious fervor?
I can think of a lot of other sports events that I would enjoy more as a spectator.  For instance:
The Sports Illustrated National Swimsuit Auditions, held on the beach at Big Sur, CA.  Here, swimsuit makers and would-be models gather every year to show off their newest bikinis.  The burning question that drives the auditions is, “How mush will they reveal this year?”  Kodak and Nikon and all the big camera makers would be natural sponsors.  The models would not even have to go in the water, since most of the swimsuits were never meant to get wet.
The NASCAR Women’s Fashion Show, held right here at Bristol Motor Speedway.  This is a warm-up event three days before the race.  Here women can see the latest styles that turn the male race fan on.  You’d see skimpy camouflage pajamas, lingerie with sponsor logos (big in some places, small in others), slips with fake grease stains on them, etc.
Of course, this event would be paired with the NASCAR Drivers at Chippendales Show.  This takes place on the infield and is broadcast on widescreen television throughout the Speedway and nationally.  Women will see their favorite drivers in briefs, net overalls, camo fig leafs, that sort of thing.  It would swell the audience at Bristol with twice as many women fans as men. 
The Haarlem (sic) Globetrotters Play Soccer.  Soccer is a tedious game with interminable running and very little scoring.  Based in the Netherlands, the Haarlem Globetrotters travel the world making bumbling idiots of the local team, scoring about once every 30 seconds.  Note how I have spelled Haarlem so as not to get into a copyright infringement mess. 
But you could steal every comedy routine the original Globetrotters have invented.  Scores like 100-2 would be typical.  Also the game would be a whole lot shorter.  It would only be played in warm-weather stadiums that have two cup holders at every seat, one for your beer, and one for your margarita. 
Anyway, these are just some ideas. 

Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at